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What To Do When Your Beliefs Conflict

In my last article I gave you some homework… Let me remind you:

Here is some 'homework' for you to do over the next two weeks: Get a pad of paper and on the top of it write, ‘I believe…’ You will add beliefs to that list whenever you can. List out as many of your beliefs as possible. I would say you should come up with a minimum of 50. You can do this. Take the time and build your list of beliefs. We will then do something with that information.

If you did not read the article in the last newsletter or have yet to do your list then… STOP… and after you have spent about 10 minutes pick up the article and lets continue on.

The longer your list the more you will identify those beliefs that are conflicting. Why is this important, because if your beliefs conflict then you will experience some struggles, walls… and much confusion.

Now that you have identified beliefs I want to make sure we are on the same page. Let me share with you some of my beliefs. I believe… that we are all accountable for our actions on this planet, someday; That my role as a father is one of the most important roles in my life; That there is one true God and His son died on a cross so that I may spend eternity in heaven; That he who has been blessed with much is responsible to share that with others; That humility and humbleness are important qualities to demonstrate; That I was put on this planet to do something great; That Givers Gain and Takers Lose...

Those are some of my beliefs and your list should be along those same lines. The longer your list the more you will identify those beliefs that are conflicting. Why is this important, because if your beliefs conflict then you will experience some struggles, walls… and much confusion. We get conflicts when two or more beliefs lead to conflicting behaviors. The situation usually creates a “double bind”… you know what that is… damned if you do and damned if you don’t. The most serious conflicts occur when the conflict involve your identity, and a negative judgment on ones self.

How This Works...

Let me give you a personal example. I struggle with accepting my own good. I believe as a Christian that we are all flawed. I also believe that I was put here to do great things and lighten peoples burden. I also believe that humility and humbleness are important. And lastly I believe that we can either receive praise from God or man, but not both.

Can you see how those beliefs can conflict? It causes conflict when people want to thank me for the great things that I have done for them. I have a hard time accepting the thanks and also in a way, keep myself from doing even more because I won't accept the good. It is a deep conflict that I am working through. It is easy to figure out where those conflicting beliefs are. Here is the key question… ”What is holding you back?”… If you can answer that question honestly… then at the core of the question is the identity of the “conflicting belief.”

He won’t eat, or drink, he wont work… he wont do anything, he sits around all the time claiming that he is a corpse.

It reminds me of the story from abnormal psychology of a man who believes he is a corpse. He won’t eat, or drink, he wont work… he wont do anything, he sits around all the time claiming that he is a corpse. The psychiatrist does everything he can to convince the man that he is in fact alive and by that fact, then he cannot be a corpse. They argue back and forth and finally the psychiatrist comes up with the key to solving this conflict in his belief system. He finally asks the man, “Do corpses bleed?” The man thinks about it for a while and says, “No, all body functions have stopped so there is no more bleeding”. So the psychiatrist says, “Let’s do an experiment. I will take a needle and prick your finger and see if you bleed.” Since the patient is a corpse, and corpses can’t resist he allows it. The psychiatrist sticks the man with the needle and the man starts to bleed. The man is startled; he is shocked, his map of reality has been severely altered. After a few moments of disbelief the man says, “I’ll be damned… corpses do bleed!” That is the perfect example of conflicting belief systems.

Here is the issue that is taking place. We have so many beliefs and many of our beliefs are at the unconscious level, we don’t know what they are and we don’t know how they affect us. When you factor in the Neurological Levels of Change then you start to create this “hierarchy of Beliefs”. We have beliefs on all levels. We have beliefs regarding our Environment, Behavior, Capabilities, Identity, Spiritual and we even have beliefs about our beliefs.

Download a handout that describes these levels

There is a hierarchy of values that goes on at the unconscious level. Let me give you another example. I had a friend who believed strongly in the sanctity of marriage. She wanted to be married one time and that was it! She was very committed to the marriage vows and the bigger commitment. She shared with me that she had “moved” the line in relation to her ex husband. I said what do you mean. She said I told him if he ever cheated on me then that would be it. She shared with me that he did cheat on her and she forgave him and worked to heal their marriage. The problem was that he continued to cheat and it was his pattern. Of course they wound up divorced.

As she reflected back she was disappointed with herself. She said she moved the line. I told her that was not true. What happened was that her belief in making her marriage work, was a higher value than her belief that is “my husband cheats on me, I am out of here”. She did nothing but realize her hierarchy of values. Once she realized that, she was free to let go of her disappointment with herself and heal so that she has a chance for a future marriage.

So take a few minutes now and add to the list of what you believe. What do you believe about who you are? What do you believe about your capabilities? What do you belief about why you are on this planet? What do you belief and your beliefs? What do you believe about your environment?

As your list grows you need to start looking at which ones might be conflicting. Which ones might be keeping you from accomplishing your goals and your dreams? The easiest way to identify what might be conflicting is to look for a goal, a dream, an outcome that you have wanted to accomplish but you struggle with. Maybe losing weight, or working out, or making more money, treating yourself better… . What have you “said” you want, but for some reason it just isn’t happening? By asking that question you will start to uncover conflicting beliefs, maybe even an entire system of those beliefs… it might not be just one, but a network, or a system of beliefs that is in conflict.

The next question will get you to the core of what is holding you back. The question is what is stopping you? What is holding you back? What causes you to not accomplish that goal, or outcome? Inside of that answer is a hidden belief system that is at a higher level than the belief system that supports the accomplishment of your goal.

Einstein has been known to say many things.

The Definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

He is also credited for saying that you cannot solve a problem at the same level it was created. You must go above that level. Now I am paraphrasing, but that quote made little sense until I learned of Robert Dilts’ Neurological levels of change. (These are listed in the handout link from earlier in this article.)

If you can identify the level of the beliefs, you then have two plans of attack. One strategy is to use the Neurological levels of Change. Identify the belief and see at what level is this belief? Is it at identity, or capabilities, or is it at the level of behavior. Once you have identified the level of this belief than you can go one above it. If the belief is about your environment then create or reinforce a belief at the Behavior level. If the belief is about your capabilities then you need to be dealing with a belief at the Belief System, or Identity.

There is an underlying intention for every belief you have and every activity you do. You need to dig deeper and figure out what is 'really going on here.'

The other way to deal with this is to come to a common intention level. There is an underlying intention for every belief you have and every activity you do. You need to dig deeper and figure out what is “really going on here”. Once you can get to a common denominator of intent. Once you can come to that common intent, then you can change the behavior and still have the same intent.

The road you take to integrate the beliefs depends on the information that is readily available. If you know the underlying intent, then approach it from that angle. If it is easier to see the Neurological level that the belief is emanating from, then approach from that angle. Whatever you do… do something. There are three types of people in this world; those that make things happen, those that watch things happening and those that wonder, “What the heck just happened?” It is about deciding which one you are going to be.

Remember… When You Live your Life Like it Matters—It Does!

With Passion-HBS
Scott V. Black

October 2, 2006

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